A Pile of Ashes
by musician95
Summary: Visiting Mount Weather after Gina's death, Bellamy finds himself wondering if their love has ever been real.


„There's really nothing left, huh?"

Bellamy looked at Jasper, wondering if he'd be able to hold his shit together this time. The last thing they needed was another one of Jasper's tantrums.

Not that there was anything left to destroy here. But Octavia was waiting in the truck and they didn't have much time – Kane wanted them back at camp before sundown, and there was really no arguing with him these days.

"You okay, man?" Bellamy placed his hand on Jasper's shoulder. "You can go back to the truck whenever you want."

Much to his surprise, Jasper's voice was quiet and very calm. "It's gone", he said. "It's all gone. As if she'd never even existed."

"I know." Bellamy sighed. And he didn't just say it; he _knew_.

Maya wasn't the only one who'd been wiped out by the Grounders. She wasn't the only one who'd been loved. But this had been her home, and now they were looking at a pile of ashes.

Everything, everyone – it was all gone. Mount Weather had been a home, a safe haven to so many people, but that was before the Grounders. Now this place had become a mass grave.

"Don't you wanna do your thing?" Jasper asked.

Bellamy hesitated. The flowers had been Octavia's idea and he'd liked it, liked the idea of putting flowers on a loved one's grave like people used to do in the old days. But this was nothing like he'd imagined; there wasn't even a place to put those flowers.

"Bellamy?" When Jasper turned to look at him, Bellamy avoided his gaze. Something about this just felt wrong. And now with Jasper being the sane one, it seemed like the whole world had suddenly turned upside down.

"I get what you're trying to do", Jasper went on. "I get that this is your idea of saying goodbye. But trust me, it wouldn't be any easier if she had an actual grave or something. She'd still be dead, and it'd still be hard. There's just nothing you can do about it."

Bellamy opened his hand and let the flowers fall to the ground. What good could they do anyway, in the middle of so much death?

Jasper was right: There was _nothing_ that could be done to make the pain go away. There was nothing that could bring her back.

In this moment, as crazy as it sounded, Jasper's voice was the only thing that kept him sane. It was one steady flow, and it made him realize that one day, he might be okay again, just like Jasper.

For a split second, Bellamy was filled by that familiar feeling of hope, like everything could be fixed, no matter how bad the damage.

It was the feeling Gina used to give him whenever he was around her.

She used to smile at him and tousle his hair and kiss his bruised face like he was all she'd ever wanted in life. And of course, he'd tried to give that same kindness back to her.

Gina had been exactly what he needed. She'd been so _good_ , so different from Clarke – a few more weeks and Bellamy might've forgotten all about her.

Not that it had been easy, those first days and weeks without Clarke. But she'd always been trouble, and maybe Bellamy was just tired of that. Maybe he'd needed a change, and maybe that's how things began with Gina – maybe it hadn't been love from the beginning, but that didn't matter.

She had been very precious to him, and now she was gone.

Mount Weather was gone.

And Clarke? She was with the ones who did this.

"Okay, maybe we should just go", Jasper said, pulling him back to reality. "It's getting dark, and you know we told Kane –"

"Tell me about her", Bellamy cut him off. "About Maya."

Jasper stared at him for a minute. There were tears in his eyes, just like every time someone mentioned her name. Then he sank to his knees and touched the bleak ground.

"You wouldn't understand", he muttered. "You don't know what it felt like, Bellamy. It was like…" Jasper shook his head, trying to find the right words. "From the moment I first saw her, I knew she was the only one. And then I failed her. I couldn't even save that damn painting she loved so much."

 _She was the only one._

Bellamy had to admit that he felt differently about Gina. She'd never been the only one, not in his heart, but she'd been enough. And she deserved to be remembered, to be missed.

"Did you love her?"

Bellamy couldn't help but ask. It was a dumb question, obviously, but he knew about the strong meaning of the word "love" and he knew that it shouldn't be used carelessly. He wouldn't dare say it to anyone if he wasn't a hundred per cent sure it was the right person.

"Yes", Jasper answered immediately. "I loved her more than anything."

Then he got up and looked Bellamy right in the eye. "But you didn't love Gina."

He didn't need to say the last part out loud. Bellamy already knew – he'd known it for a long time. And now the words were there right in front of him, lingering in the air as if Jasper had actually said them, and they both knew they were true.

 _You never loved Gina._

 _You love Clarke._


End file.
